How Much Can We Write About Friends and Family?

Should we tell all truths about friends and family in personal essays or creative nonfiction?

In his creative nonfiction “police” essay, Lee Gutkind, the founder of Creative Nonfiction, posits that truth in nonfiction writing is “a question of doing the right thing, being fair, following the golden rule.”

Sometimes, as a creative writing teacher, this ‘golden-rule writing issue comes up during non-fiction craft workshops.

When this question emerges, I often reference my day-job work as a health writer.

Before I interviewed patients or families, I coaxed them to ask themselves some hard questions. Yes, even when they wanted to tell and had already or formally consented. Why? Especially when working with vulnerable and under-served patients (as I did), there was an inevitable power deferential between staff (me!) and those who were willing to tell their story. So I tried to ask the right questions.

Outside healthcare, a similar power imbalance may exist between you, the educated, clever-clogs writer, and the friend, partner or sibling you want to write about.

Here’s what I used to ask healthcare patients:

“Five or 10 years from now, will you be proud of this story being out in the world? Being visible to employers? Your children’s teachers?”

Here are some other writing questions for you:

Working on your nonfiction draft but unsure whether to write about friends? You could ask yourself the same question (above) about what, in the future, you want out there and publicly available—sometimes indelibly.

Here are other questions to ask:

(a) In the deepest part of your soul, how much does it matter to you to tell that story that includes or features friends and family?

(b) Why are you really telling this story? Like, really? Is it about telling emotional truths? Gaining power over past events? Or snagging bylines, writing credits and building a résumé?

(c) Are you willing to risk and accept the potential fallout—all the way up to friend or family estrangement—if or when your piece or book gets published?

*****

One of the beauties of first-person writing is that we can cop to our own flawed memories—right there on the page (‘Was that the year when my father announced that he hated blue cars?’)

As nonfiction writers, we want to engage our readers—both those who agree and who disagree with our point of view. But before we write that first-person narrative story or personal essay, we need to ask ourselves: “Is this my heartfelt truth, as I remember or have researched it?” And: “Can I tell this truth without damaging my friend or relative?”